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Our Current Virtual Church Message

The Hammer

Story told by "Wrench."

This is a story about a guy I use to work for called The Hammer. The Hammer was a mob, gangster, syndicate guy who lived in Vegas. At least, he sort of lived in Vegas. Most of the time he moved from place to place cause he didn't want nobody taking him out like when you move around you is a moving target sort of thing. This guy was called "The Hammer" cause he used to use a hammer to get his way with people. Everywhere he went he carried a hammer with him. He was the most powerful guy in the world you didn't want to meet. He had to move around a lot because he didn't have no friends and everybody that knew him wanted to take him for a ride, if you know what I mean. This guy was the boss of the bosses of the bosses. The Hammer was the worst of the worst of human beings. He got his name because of the way he dealt with people he didn't like and I ain't in too good of a position to say any more than that. I knew The Hammer cause I worked for him in his security department. He needed security because everybody was trying to find him and take care of him, if you know what I mean. Of course, The Hammer, he didn't trust nobody. He had his own chef go cook his meals anywhere The Hammer went cause The Hammer was afraid someone would add a little too much spice to his food, if you know what I mean. When The Hammer would go somewhere, he would wear a disguise. When he would get a hotel suite, we would have to go sweep the room for bugs. I'm not talkin' roaches. I'm talkin' like listening devices they put in the walls and stuff. The Hammer would rent a whole floor of rooms in a hotel so no one could listen from the room next to his. The Hammer was a little freaked out all the time. He had a billion or so dollars, maybe more, but he had a fear. Everybody was afraid of The Hammer but The Hammer was afraid of somethin' himself. The Hammer was afraid of dyin'. And in his position of havin' a lot of people wantin' to take him for a ride, let's just say, The Hammer was always nervous. Real nervous. Any little sound, any little thing, like The Hammer would just about lose his mind. So The Hammer has a lot of security people around him all the time. Like about a hundred or so of us were always tryin' to keep The Hammer really calm and collected like. The Hammer made his money in the worst ways. The Hammer was kind a like Bugsy Siegel in that The Hammer had to take a lot of showers every day to try and wash the dirt off, only The Hammer never did get clean, if you know what I mean.

Well, we goes to LA with The Hammer and we sweeps the floor of the hotel and we found a few bugs but they were left over from some other deal somebody had workin'. Anyways, we cleaned up the place for bugs. We cleared out The Hammer's suite and put The Hammer's furniture in the room. The Hammer used to take his own furniture cause you never know what somebody could put in hotel furniture that could be hazardous to your health, if you know what I mean. Well, in LA, The Hammer goes into the room and the door closed behind The Hammer. The only problem was, there was nobody in the room to close the door. So The Hammer calls on his cell and we go running to the room. The Hammer was freaking out. We check everything out real good and we tell The Hammer it was just the wind or a draft and not to worry. So The Hammer was still freaked and we tell him we will bring all the detail up and stay out in the hall outside the room and he says OK. So about thirty of us in the detail are all out in the hallway millin' around. About a half hour goes by and The Hammer is calling again. So we goes into the room and there is The Hammer under a table. He is shakin' like he saw a ghost and he is white like he saw a ghost. Sure enough, he says "Ghost!" while he was shakin' and The Hammer keeps repeatin' himself. We all figured he had finally gone and lost his mind. What with his kind of business and him being always freaked out about somethin' we figured he just lost it. So we are all in the room and we don't see no ghost. We sweep the room again and we don't find no bugs either. So we tell The Hammer we can't find anything and we don't see anything.

Then all of a sudden The Hammer quits shakin' and says "Mommy, mommy, mommy." Then we knows The Hammer has fallen down and he ain't getting' back up without some kind of treatment, if you know what I mean. Since we don't know what to do with a guy who has lost his mental capacities we eventually all go back out in the hallway and close the door to the room. About a half hour later we gets another call from The Hammer. So we go into the room again and this time The Hammer is sitin' in a corner cryin' like a little kid and The Hammer is sayin' "I saw my mommy. I saw my mommy. I saw my mommy. Me want a stepladder. Me want a stepladder." So we says, "OK, we are gonna go get you a ladder." Now you gotta remember that what The Hammer wants, The Hammer gets even if he has lost his capacities. We ain't never said "No" to The Hammer and we don't intend to in the future, cause it ain't good for your health. Anyways, we go to a hardware store and get a stepladder and take the ladder into the room. When we get the ladder set up, The Hammer climbs up the ladder and says, "Me go see Mommy. Me go see mommy. Me go see mommy." The Hammer gets to the ceiling and starts pushin' on the ceiling. Then he says, "You go away. I go see mommy." Well, we all goes out to the hallway and we are sort of waitin' to see how far The Hammer will freak out. About an hour goes by and all of a sudden The Hammer opens up the door of the room and he looks different. He is like really calm or something. The Hammer is talkin' with a different kind of voice even. He tells all of us to come into the room. The Hammer is so different it begins to freak some of us out. Anyways, when we get into the room, The Hammer says we are all to go back to Vegas and go home. The Hammer says we will not be needed for security no more and we are all gonna get a big bonus for workin' for him, thank you very much, and hope you guys all the best sort of a speech we never heard The Hammer ever give before. So we leave the room, get on a plane and go home. A couple weeks later we get a big check in the mail from The Hammer.

Now the rest of this story is what I got from a guy who use to work for The Hammer in The Hammer's bookkeeping dept. It seems The Hammer saw his mom in the hotel room in LA. The only thing is The Hammer's mom died when he was just a little kid. Anyways, The Hammer comes back from LA, gives all his money away to poor people and to charities. Then The Hammer goes to the feds and turns himself in for immunity and witness protection. The bookkeeper says The Hammer changed so much he wasn't The Hammer no more. The Hammer even started usin' the word "sorry" and The Hammer never used the word "sorry" in his whole life, if you get what I mean. One of the guys in the detail or what use to be the detail was jokin' the other day and said, "Yeah, The Hammer saw a ghost alright. He musta seen The Holy Ghost." Anyways, if you was like The Hammer, you would't wanna see your momma or the Holy Ghost or you'd be sayin' "sorry" and given stuff away like The Hammer did.

Matthew 14:26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear. (NIV)

Matthew 4:17 From that time on Jesus began to preach, "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near." (NIV)

This facetious story first appeared in May, 2007, in the Virtual Church web site at http://www.findthepower.com

 

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Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (RSV) are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, Revised Standard Version of the Bible, Copyright © 1952 [2nd edition, 1971] by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

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Shepherd's Care Ministries author and webmaster, Rev. Patrick Kelly, is affiliated through ministerial ordination with Church of God Ministries, Anderson IN 46018